I broke up with Sailor last Sunday.

I ate my words. I realized that my heart belongs to Jake and when I was with Sailor recently, I was wishing it was Jake. So I called Sailor and told him I valued the friendship but no more sex or sleepovers. He said "ok".

I seemed to need more processing over this change than he did. He did say he saw it coming and he understood.

He also said, "You know you are signing up for a roller coaster, right?" I replied, "I like roller coasters". He laughed and said "I'm just a merry-go-round."

The fact is, the relationship with Jake does have it's ups and downs. But never the "I'm done with you" kind of down, just the  "I'm not happy with you right now" kind of down. And as Jake said later, when I told him of this conversation, he's my roller coaster and my merry-go-round. He gives me the edgy highs I crave and in between supplies the stability and predictability I also crave.

I wanted to focus on Jake. And now I am.

Jake and I have been going through some new relationship speed bumps and I thought he was upset with me. He was, but he shared this with me over the phone.

In his deep voice, very slowly and calmly he said:

"Lie down and close your eyes.
Listen to your heart. Feel it beat.
Now, try to slow your heart beat. Try to make it stop.

Just as you can't stop your heart from beating, you can't stop the love between us.
When ever you feel unsure or afraid, calm down and listen to your heart.
That will remind you what is between us."

This is why, day after day, I fall more deeply in love with this man.

It is so refreshing to have someone in my life that I can share all my dirty little fantasies with and instead of getting "whoa, that's sick", I get an evil grin and then he raises the bar...

I have often scared people off and been told I am intimidating. Not Jake. He constantly exceeds my expectations. I am a very happy girl these days.

I suggested and agreed to a service contract with Jake. Baring an interview, I agreed to be at his house between 8:30am and 2pm to do what ever he would like for me to do. He works at home some of the time but not every day so he may or may not be there while I am working. I understand and I'm ok with that. This is about enhancing the life of someone I care for very much, so it is not a requirement that he be there as long as I know what I should be doing.

He gave me a list and it included filing and organizing in his office. So I got started on Tuesday. I should finish up tomorrow.

Day 1: 
He met me at the door and told me not to talk... me took me to a chair, tied me to it, blindfolded me and proceeded to punish me for being slow to to respond to a request over the weekend. I have marks on my thighs, but I wanted them. (There is a great video on marks here but it's *very* graphic and for adults only).

Then it was work, talk, flirt, work, etc until around 1pm. He said he had a headache and asked me to rub his back. Well, one thing led to another and he did get rid of the headache... <grin>

Day 2: 
He let me know how much he enjoyed our dalliance yesterday, he made some work related calls and he was gone most of the day. I had work to do, so I got on with that. He made it back in time to talk a bit then I took off at the agreed time.

So far, so good.

This is time I treasure. I need to go back to work and earn a living and I trust that will happen, but the time we are spending now is building a foundation that I expect to last for years. I stopped holding back, worrying what might go wrong, and I opened my heart and embraced what he's offered. And he continues to amaze me, but then, I think I continue to amaze him as well.

From email this week: "We will begin your tutoring of me in the more formal techniques of BDSM. I think we will start with <list>. We can talk about the game plan beyond that." He's always been a private player and hasn't really collected toys. When I explained that this is like dancing: I follow, I can give feedback, but I don't lead and can't teach the technique... he got it. And seems ok with me suggesting mentors.

I may be asking friends for help in mentoring. It won't happen quickly, but I trust it will happen over time.

We have been talking for hours this week. I see him tonight. We are going to dinner at my Dad's house.

The chemistry is *excellent*. And the prospects for something long term appear promising. :-)

I saw Jake Sunday. After two months of moving in slow motion, he shifted into high gear. He asked me to be his partner. He asked me not to add anyone new to the mix for now. He asked me to be involved if/when he adds someone to his life. He asked me to be his primary. His lover. His rock. He believes I have all of that to offer.

For over five years now I have been looking for someone that I never thought to find. And now I think, maybe, I have. And I'm apprehensive about being wrong. But I'm going forward with no reservations. If we are as well matched as I think we may be, this has been worth all the waiting...

And Sailor is grandfathered into my life. Not sending him away. No. No. No. And that is ok for now. He's helped me learn about other parts of myself that I wasn't aware existed. And I value that. He is kind, affectionate, giving, and knowledgeable about things I care about. And my friends like him :-)

Jake is up to the task of leading the journey the very politically incorrect parts of me want to take. I have no doubt. And I am so very scared / delighted / apprehensive / thrilled. And, after all, that is what I was looking for :-)

And I'm willing to put that in writing here. And hope like hell I'm not eating crow in the the near future.

It's raining today and I just love it.  It smells crisp and clean.

I made it half way through my walk today before the bottom dropped out. I was wise enough to throw a thin yellow Gortex raincoat in a fanny pack before I left the house so I pulled it, wiggled into it, zipped it up, and snugged up the hood.

As the rain increased, my thighs slowly became plastered with wet blue jean shorts. The raincoat covered me to just below the crotch...

It came down harder. I was wearing a pair of these new-fangled rubber sandals from Teva that I bought for wet environments and they were worth every penny.

I began to look for the streams of water headed for a drain so I could splash through it. I laughed. I held out my hands, palms up, to feel more of the slippery coolness. I splashed! Up top I was toasty warm and down below by toes were having a delightful tingle fest in the running water.

I looked around at all the traffic (it was 6pm or so) and I thought, this is a marvelous day to be unemployed, free to play and enjoy the amazing weather. I feel sorry for all of you cubicle rats still on the treadmill...

at least for today :-)

I was laid off last Monday.  So I start a new set of routines and take advantage of the great spring weather.

I had *major* plumbing work done at the house that exiled me from my kitchen for the 3 days after the layoff -- and that crawled up in my head. Homeowner's insurance paid the bill ($5,000) and the contractor did a fabulous job. All's well that ends well. But I am so happy to be back "in control" in my kitchen.

I made plans a few months back to go to Ft. Lauderdale for Beyond Leather. I leave tomorrow. I return May 1st or 2nd. I've already started working my network for a job but will get more serious when I return (so if you comment, I won't respond soon - I'm not taking a laptop (yipee!))

Financially I'll be fine. I planned for this. Not happy about the impact to my "financial plan" but will take advantage of the time to focus on reducing my collection of belongings.

And amazingly enough, I seem to have a blossoming new relationship. "Mr.Super Powers" will be referred to as "Jake" or "Jake Vengeance" in the future. He asked for a scene name and that's what I dreamed up. You have to hear him say it in his low, commanding voice: "Jake Vengeance, man of action!" Makes me laugh every time. And an alpha dominant male who can laugh at himself is very endearing to me.

He and I have been dancing around any next steps for almost 2 months. We are doing a very different kind of dancing now :-) And he's local. And has not asked me to stop seeing Sailor.

I'm taking Jake's bite marks with me to Beyond Leather. And I'm going with Sailor.

My life has really become interesting. Of course, just when the job situation would make it easy to look for work in California again... LOL.

Mr. SP & I had a good chat Monday night.

He went with Dmitriy, Scarlett and I to a class at Frisky Business last night on non-monogamy. We had dinner at Brasa first. So he came out and met my friends.

He said he has been holding back. And he has appreciated my patience. He wanted to take the time to decide how serious he was about pursuing a relationship with me because he didn't want to start down that path and then pull back. And he's been doing some thinking...

However, he didn't share all of his thoughts with me because I told him I was going to give this 6 months before I took it further. I was tired of the mixed messages I was getting and his comments about being conflicted... and I was taking anything more than friends off the table for now.

So he told me he'd share his thoughts with me in 6 months. And I called his bluff and said, "ok, fine". What else do you want to discuss." And the game has been on since.

Like when he kissed me goodnight and said, "I thought kissing was off the table for 6 months?" 

That is so not off the table....

The game is on again. And I *like* that.

-----
Comments on the class: The instructor was knowledgeable and well spoken. But the class was targeted for novices. So I'm unlikely to go back for more classes. But I would point curious folks to them as a resource.

It appears Mr.SP isn't ready for a relationship. I'm not sure why, but I am sure of his actions this weekend, which were disappointing.

So I took the decision away from him whether to be friends or more. "Friends" is welcome. "More" is not. I don't want to invest in a relationship with someone who isn't wholeheartedly interested.

So I morn a bit the next few days. And then get on with life.

And deal with the plumbing problem from hell this week. Maybe the distraction is a good thing.

Been distracted by some financial issues -- that I just don't feel like rehashing here. They may all turn out ok in any case but I've been somewhat distracted by the unknowns yet to be resolved.

Spring is here. Dogwoods are starting to bloom and daffodils are up in mass. This makes me smile. Often.

Mr.SP is less available than I had hoped but then you don't always get what you want. I still am enjoying his company when he is available. 

Sailor and I have planned a trip to Florida in April to attend Beyond Leather and do some more camping and outdoor activities. Steven called and wanted to know if we were up for a "group electrical scene" and I told him I figured that was ok. Checked with Sailor and he was his mellow agreeable self as usual. Steven seems to be continually surprised that Sailor doesn't have jealous reactions, but I'm not.

Still playing cribbage with Dmitriy and enjoying the company of his lovely wife Miss Scarlette on Sunday mornings. I won last week :-)

And I'm planning a vegetable garden with Mr.Tango. His house is 1.5 miles from me and he started prepping his front yard last year with manure and cardboard to kill the grass. So it looks like I will be swimming in fresh produce at some point in the next few months. And potatoes. We will be growing potatoes...

I ditched the Atkins diet I was on in February. Had an annual checkup and my cholesterol numbers were up so: I now walk 5 days a week and I'm eating lots of produce & fiber. And way less meat. This book was a contributor to that decision as well: Food Matters by Mark Bittman.

Nothing else exciting here for now :-)

I'm glad I've read classics like the "Ethical Slut". I am in an emotional frenzy over Mr.SP and I have to focus not to drift into tangents about my thoughts in that direction when I talk to Sailor. I value my relationship with Sailor, but it's known, it's solid, it's comfortable. OK, and the sex is damn good. He knows about Mr.SP but it's clear he doesn't want details or to listen to me rattle on about what might be.

But the unknown, the "could be", the fantasy of what I want it to be with Mr.SP is new. It's so new that he hasn't had time to disappoint or disillusion, even to mildly disturb the constructed fantasy relationship. So I crave this undefined thing.

It's a crazy place to be, actually. Because I know the reality will not match the fantasy. Might be better in some ways and won't meet expectations in other ways.

I would like to get to the reality so I can get past these unbalancing cravings... it's surreal.

And I wish that it would be possible for all the players to meet each other and become friends, but I'm not naive enough to think that will ever be possible in this case. Maybe in the future. That would include: me, Mr.SP & other partner, Sailor & other partner. I seem to be the only one of the 5 of us who thinks it would be a good thing to get to know each others partners. That comes from playing outside the community sandbox. I'll accept it for now.

As I breathe deeply and try to be patient about more time with Mr.SP.

I had a medical procedure in February that prompted me to have my genital jewelry removed. Sailor managed the removal but doesn't seem to know his own strength as he stretched out the ring. I took it to Progress Piercing and had Seth (the owner) take a look. It was not fixable. I asked him to order a new one.

He asked me: "Do you want this back or should I toss it?"
Me: "Toss it" (with no thought before opening my mouth)
He: "You sure? No sentimental value?" 
Me: "I'm cleaning out. If it's broken, it goes".

And I heard the sound of the metal as it hit the bottom of the sharps container he dropped it in.

I pondered this on the way home. I got that jewelry after Steven & I split. I've been in and out of relationships since, but nothing sticks. Maybe it's time. Time to let go of the past. Time for a new future.

And within a week Mr.SP drops me a line...

I know the two are not connected. I know a piece of metal can't control my life. I know these things. And yet I wonder?

Dmitriy & I went to DC for the first ever Crucible Rope academy.



Lew Reubens' suspension classes were excellent. He walked us through an evolution of his styles and explained why he was now using a specific technique: always with the goal in mind to keep the model comfortable so the model could stay up longer. He demonstrated and then we all tied. He walked around and gave us feedback -- this was an amazing learning opportunity. He used humor well -- and that made it fun too!

One of the presenters, Dov, recognized me from a Black Rose event years ago. That was a surprise. Saturday night he walked Dmitriy & I through a tie he'd shown in class that day.

We met lots of new people. Got to see the Crucible in DC and check out the surrounding area. And we learned a lot. This weekend was all about rope and we tied. Both of us.

I bought some garment grade hemp. Dmitriy bought instructional DVDs from Lew. I got a signed copy of "Nawashi" from Graydancer (who filled in for Jay Wiseman) and donated to his "cuppa coffee fund". I was also impressed wth Graydancer's presentations and his presentation style.

Best of all, I got to fly (in rope).

It was good to get out and be with community. And Dmitriy & I have an even better friendship. We did a lot of talking in the car on the 8 hours drive back...  and survived a "near death by blizzard" experience together.

My Honda is now blizzard rated.

I went to DC for a rope bondage workshop this past weekend at the Crucible (more on that in a future post). Don't really trust the weather folks so decided not to leave the classes early when a winter storm was predicted.

Took me 8+ hours to drive home yesterday (should have taken 4)  and I would have pulled over and gotten a hotel, but I couldn't see well enough to find the exit. Just followed the taillights on front of me until I got to the NC state line - then it cleared up. Was clear when I got home at 11:30pm. Woke to snow this morning in Raleigh. Melted off and the roads were fine. I was taking PTO today already, so I unpacked and did chores. And went for a walk. I figure I used up all my snow driving karma yesterday.

My passenger, and my partner in crime for the workshop, now understands what a raving optimist I am. And it did turn out ok.

And we learned so much in the last class. I have pictures :-)

The owner is working on the issue but there is no estimated time/date for it to be back up.
My primary kink email goes through an address on this server.

If you don't have another email address for me and need to get in touch, drop me a line from LJ.

--bailey

Leon Uris is one of my new favorite authors. I've finished his two books on the history of Ireland:  Trinity and Redemption.

From Redemption, page 96 (hardback): Conversation between Jack & Atty. She's wanted him for years but he knows he can never match her passion for making changes in Ireland. He has a life in Canada and plans to return once he settles his father's estate.

     "I really don't know what to do," she said softly. "I suppose I'm not good at this at all."

     "Jack  and Atty," he said, "are going to lie down beside each other. As the sun dies and the night grows we will stand up from the bed for a moment and I will undress you and you will undress me and we will look at each other. Then we will lie down again and spend the night only playing our fingers and our lips over one another, everywhere. There will be nothing more for now until we understand each soft warm path the other likes and each place that makes us thrill. In the morning I'll pack two saddlebags and we'll ride up to the fishing lodge and start again the same way. And then we'll make love, All your fire will turn into intense control. We will make love softly, perhaps many time, until we have finally driven each other mad, and then we'll let go, angry and abusive. And then we'll sleep and start again until we are too exhausted to go on. And we'll lie there with the tenderest and softest touching and we'll stay that way until you say it's alright for me to leave."

     "Oh Jaysus, I've been waiting for you, man. Does it really work that way?"

     "We'll find out. Aye it works if we don't lose control. Unvarnished lust and orgasms really destroy quality lovemaking."

     "You bastard! I'm shaking from head to foot."

This is one of the people that popped into my life late last fall. I'll enjoy it while it lasts :-)

bailey: "I enjoy having you in my life :-)"

friend: "Likewise... I enjoy having you in mine. I've been trying to put into words how cool it is to have you as a friend, but they really can't say how it feels. It's strange, I mean we have an age gap that sort of negates the possibility of a more serious relationship... (chuckle) but in the same breath have a connection on all the levels that count... from the sense of adventure, to thoughts on life, and qualities that we seek in friends. I haven't found that with very many people, so I'm thankful that we crossed paths!"

[Note: Age gap = ~30 years]

I have made several comments to him about my "rule" of only dating in the +/- 10 year pool. So his comment about "negates the possibility of a more serious relationship" is being respectful of my wishes (and possibly his own).

He introduces me to people at the local dungeon as "my mentor". Works for me.

“Every relationship will end someday, whether by break-up or by the death of one partner. Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live, and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely a part of life.”
-Tom Stine

Nice article on how to deal with  “love lost”  here.

Interestingly enough, I've figured out most of this myself over the years. And I am currently on good terms with the majority of my past partners. They make great friends. Eventually.

Knowing I can cope well with break ups makes me able to pursue appealing relationships with no fear. I still use common sense and assess how well the other person will deal with a break up, but I'm not afraid of how I will cope. I know. I've done it many times of the years.

The morning of January 5th, 2009 I got a call from my friend missdolly2. She was in tears. She told me she needed to put Webber down and she needed me to be with her. I knew this decision was not made without much agony and I had promised -- so I left work and headed to the vet to meet Miss Dolly and Webber there. I used to cat sit for Mr. Webber. The photo above was taken at my house when he was in better health. Webber had given me a new nickname, "the pretty lady". How could I not be there for them both? 

Webber is Miss Dolly's family. He's been there with her through several moves and was always there to greet her after a good or bad day. I know she will continue to see him in the shadows for weeks to come just as I did when I lost my furry loved ones in the past.

I put down some thoughts I had at the Vet's office that night in my paper journal:

• the thin orange tabby lying so still on the table, enduring
• his hips sticking out as he had lost so much weight when he stopped eating
• the lushness of his stripped tail
• the pure white of the fur on his chin and throat
• the deep copper of the stripes on his front paws
• the softness of his fur in contrast to the coolness of his body
• the crustiness on his nose
• the few flicks of his tail
• the tears of my friend as she said goodbye to someone very important to her
• the hug she gave him after he was gone
• the feeling of peace and loss all at once
• the kindness of the staff at the Vet's Office

Both the vet staff and I were afraid to let Miss Dolly drive after this, so I took her to a nearby restaurant and bought her brunch. We talked. She let go. And within half an hour it was ok. It was so clearly the right decision.

Miss Dolly asked me to donate all the food, medicines, toys and other Webber reminders to the group I fostered for last summer. It was well received.

I am glad I had the flexibility to leave work and be there for her. Times like this are the important parts of being a friend.

Miss Dolly's goodbye  to Webber is here (if you are fortunate enough to be on her friends list).