baileythorne: tango awakening?

baileythorne (

baileythorne) wrote,
@ 2007-11-06 11:40:00

Entry tags:

tango

tango awakening?
Saw this on two tango blogs recently. One woman who posted had just returned from Venice. The other woman had moved to Buenos Aries to pursue tango - and is now married and pregnant.

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book...or you take a trip..and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure.

That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children.

And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song and it awakens them and saves them from death.

Some never awaken."

- Anais Nin

It sums up my feeling lately. I am in hibernation. I'm hoping that tango is my awakening. I know that kink has lost it's appeal for now. It's about the right partner to play with, not just sensation. And I've given up trying to find that person. Having a good dance, though rare, happens. Finding a compatible kink partner in NC has not.

I've made goals. I've been working on them. I'm on my way:
- clean out all the possessions I don't really need.
- create a space that makes me happy when I come home
- no new relationships until I can be proud to show someone else my home
- pay down the 2nd & 3rd loans on my real estate.
- become agile and flexible financially and personally.

So my focus now is on my family & tango.
I turn 50 in January of 2009.
Is this all there is to look forward to?

If so, I'll find small pleasures where they exist.
Like a dance that borders on magical, if only for 2-3 minutes.

(Post a new comment)

	I love this passage... evilmommytina 2007-11-06 07:32 pm UTC (link)
	by Anais Nin... I am reposting it for myself, if you don't mind. It will serve as a reminder to keep pushing for authentic moments, and to never let them slip past. Love, Tina p.s. No, that is not all there is to look forward to... you are just more selective than most people in choosing... by proud of that fact honey. (Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: I love this passage...

baileythorne
2007-11-06 08:03 pm UTC (link)

Treasure what you have created & nurtured :-) Glad to put it in that perspective.

Hope springs eternal for me, I just need to focus my energy where I can see results - and dating doesn't work that way. Meeting someone special just happens when it happens.

Creating a space I love to live in can be experienced every day.

So that is what I choose for now.

So glad we have reconnected here. I need to read of others successes!

(Reply to this)(Parent)

roses_n_chains
2007-11-06 07:50 pm UTC (link)

You will be turning wha-?! I never would have guessed you were around that age.

As for the kink thing, that I can definitely understand. I am still trying to find that dynamic that I felt with the couple I had been under contract to, without any luck. Sure there have been a few decent play partners since then but no one who could walk into a room and just own me.

The tango sounds like fun and a pretty good outlet.

But are you really somewhat hibernating or just not rushing to the next big thing? There's a difference.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	48 and growing older by the day... baileythorne 2007-11-06 08:35 pm UTC (link)
	Yes, I'm 48 and will be turning 49 in 2 months. I've earned all these years. And boy do I have stories :-) "are you really somewhat hibernating or just not rushing to the next big thing?" This is worth answering in a new post... thank you for asking. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: 48 and growing older by the day... rightkindofme 2007-11-06 09:25 pm UTC (link)
	I love your stories. :) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: 48 and growing older by the day... baileythorne 2007-11-06 11:35 pm UTC (link)
	Thinking back to when we first met... we have come far, eh? Thank you. Comments like this, from friends like you, are one of the small pleasures I treasure. (Reply to this)(Parent)

wah
2007-11-08 06:29 am UTC (link)

>> Is this all there is to look forward to? <<

For now, maybe.

For forever? Not necessarily at all.

But keep in mind, too, that family and another interest you are passionate about is a lot more than some people have to focus on and enjoy. Don't take those for granted.

Life has its ups and downs, and its rhythms wax and wane. Sometimes it's full and robust in ways we're acutely aware of, while at others, it takes a bit more focus and a more Zen kind of approach in order to appreciate the true richness that's there, even in the small things, the ones we don't consider so exciting as others. It's really all in your attitude.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

wasting comfort

baileythorne
2007-11-13 02:19 am UTC (link)

You are absolutely correct that I am blessed. Family. Good job. Friends. Bought real estate. Good health. Comfortable.

I treasure these things.

But I've also know passion, and some days I really miss it.

My tango teacher has been working on my attitude... oddly enough. "Even when you practice you need to be positive, because when you dance you will bring all the things you practiced to the dance - and your partner will feel it. Who wants to dance with someone who is super critical & stressed?"

I thought about it. Now one of the things I'm working on is positive thoughts as well as foot placement, relaxing my shoulders, contra body position... etc.

When I realize he was doing this, once again I thought "everything happens for a reason." eh?

(Reply to this)(Parent)

Turning 50...
madameblake
2007-11-09 05:51 pm UTC (link)

I turn 50 next summer and I am so excited about it that it is ridiculous. I have written about it over in my tribe blog. Being well into Menopause as I am, I have learned and grown a great deal. It has been a time of "great aloneness." The last 4 years have brought changes I would have never expected. I have never had a period in my life where I have spent so much time alone. And yet,it has been so necessary. I don't think that I would have learned the lessons that come with this phase in life if I had not been willing to listen to what was going on inside of me instead of spending my energy trying to figure out how to do more SM, have more sex, chase partners I don't really want - and all those things that people do when they are busy trying to hang on to their fleeing youth.

One night on PBS I heard Dr. Christiane Northrup talking about Menopause and something she called "The pain body." I felt such relief listening to her, realizing that I was not alone in what I was experiencing; realizing that this time of life can either be a healing of the past and preparation for the next 35 year cycle or it can bring about the death of the soul if we don't listen to our truth and spend some time sitting with it. I am excited about what is possible for the future - big or small, it matters not. What matters is that I allow myself to be present with whatever it is. If I never have an "exciting" moment again - that is on me. It is my job to find the joy in each moment, not create an ever expanding chain of adrenline rushes so that I "feel" alive.

A short while I go I read this and appreciated it: "Fifty is the new Forty, only you no longer have to spend your time trying to look thirty."

I have found the past few years that the things that engage me have changed so dramatically, it has almost taken me by surprise. I have also discovered how easy it actually is to let go of relationships that don't really serve us.

I will close with my favorite saying by Anais Nin because at 48, I realized that after my rather complex journey through life - I, my authentic 'I" remained tight in the bud.

"The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

After living all over the world, spending 30+ years of my adult life fully immersed in a world defined by BDSM, having had sex with hundreds and hundreds of people, being both rich and poor, I never lived my life my way. It is time,I no longer need approval or permission.

xo,
Blake

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Turning 50...

baileythorne
2007-11-13 02:24 am UTC (link)

Welcome back to LJ.

I'm happy for you & where are are in your life :-)
Thank you for sharing that.

And the quote is excellent.

I'm in a very introspective place. I've done much of what I set out to do. And what I miss is passion. For something. Or someone. Or both! I have felt the taste. Would know it if I found it. And have stopped looking because I have decided that I have to allow passion to find me.

I look forward to hearing more about your journey, as time permits.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

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