baileythorne (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} baileythorne) wrote,@ 2008-01-20 17:56:00 |
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alive and pondering...
Even though I'm not posting much to LJ, I'm staying current on friend's postings. It was here I first read about Francesca's passing (in shocked disbelief...) and it's here that I get my lizard updates :-). I considered stepping away from LJ, but decided to cut my posts back to once a month or so.
I'm going through a time of contemplation... the "what's the point of life" and "what do I want to do with mine" kind of introspection. I turned 49 this month. I'm thinking that I'd like to celebrate my 50th in Buenos Aries dancing tango, however I need to address some financial issues to pull that off. I can start studying Spanish in case I pull it off.
I've pulled way back from the leather community. Nothing bad happened, but I found I had expectations that weren't met. Probably because my expectations were unreasonable. I'll still attend events that catch my eye, but I expect that to be infrequent. I'm down to 2 email lists: one local & one in SF. Sadly, the one post on the SF list recently was about Francesca's death.
I'm pondering how to make some cash on the side (phone sex? ebay?) ... I realize that when I bought my townhouse, I really loaded myself down with debt. I don't deal well with debt... I've cut way back on spending money for anything that would be considered "fun" as I try to throw cash at the loans - except for dancing. But that takes it's toll. I'm being good. And the result is that I'm sad a lot. I think about things I'd like to do and most often I rule them out without further thought by categorizing them as "too expensive". It does greatly simplify life, however.
TangoCrush has morphed into TangoFriend. I see him 3-4 times a week. Either for a lesson, a class, to carpool to a dance or to work off the time I owe in in exchange for a lesson. He now knows about my involvement with the leather community and teases me about it - but it's not a big deal. We also watch DVDs & play cribbage. He's very good. I lose a lot. And that's actually just fine.
My guess is that he won't last out the year here -- he's looking for a wife that wants babies and he came here to try a career that's not working out for him. So I'll enjoy his company as long as it lasts. I believe in the saying: people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I think he's here for a season. He rekindled my interest in dance. It's not the passion it used to be in my life, but it's helping me preserve my sanity for now. I can feel connected with people but still keep them at arm's length until I really get to know them. I have a sounding board for tango community politics, and I have been learning more about how men think. It's a very different dynamic being friends rather than lovers.
I started the year with the intent of working less overtime - and I've been drawn into a project that has required the most overtime I've ever worked for this company. I leave work some nights numb - tired, frustrated that I'm putting my personal life on hold for business objectives, and just worn down. I have less energy to reach out to friends. I made a personal commitment to stay at this job for 2 years, but I may need to re-think that.
Finally, I remind myself that I really have nothing to complain about when I look at the big picture: I'm employed, I'm building equity, I'm reasonably healthy (still doing physical therapy for the hand, but making good progress), and I have friends & family that love me.
I am trying to stay positive.
And dance more.
Even though I'm not posting much to LJ, I'm staying current on friend's postings. It was here I first read about Francesca's passing (in shocked disbelief...) and it's here that I get my lizard updates :-). I considered stepping away from LJ, but decided to cut my posts back to once a month or so.
I'm going through a time of contemplation... the "what's the point of life" and "what do I want to do with mine" kind of introspection. I turned 49 this month. I'm thinking that I'd like to celebrate my 50th in Buenos Aries dancing tango, however I need to address some financial issues to pull that off. I can start studying Spanish in case I pull it off.
I've pulled way back from the leather community. Nothing bad happened, but I found I had expectations that weren't met. Probably because my expectations were unreasonable. I'll still attend events that catch my eye, but I expect that to be infrequent. I'm down to 2 email lists: one local & one in SF. Sadly, the one post on the SF list recently was about Francesca's death.
I'm pondering how to make some cash on the side (phone sex? ebay?) ... I realize that when I bought my townhouse, I really loaded myself down with debt. I don't deal well with debt... I've cut way back on spending money for anything that would be considered "fun" as I try to throw cash at the loans - except for dancing. But that takes it's toll. I'm being good. And the result is that I'm sad a lot. I think about things I'd like to do and most often I rule them out without further thought by categorizing them as "too expensive". It does greatly simplify life, however.
TangoCrush has morphed into TangoFriend. I see him 3-4 times a week. Either for a lesson, a class, to carpool to a dance or to work off the time I owe in in exchange for a lesson. He now knows about my involvement with the leather community and teases me about it - but it's not a big deal. We also watch DVDs & play cribbage. He's very good. I lose a lot. And that's actually just fine.
My guess is that he won't last out the year here -- he's looking for a wife that wants babies and he came here to try a career that's not working out for him. So I'll enjoy his company as long as it lasts. I believe in the saying: people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I think he's here for a season. He rekindled my interest in dance. It's not the passion it used to be in my life, but it's helping me preserve my sanity for now. I can feel connected with people but still keep them at arm's length until I really get to know them. I have a sounding board for tango community politics, and I have been learning more about how men think. It's a very different dynamic being friends rather than lovers.
I started the year with the intent of working less overtime - and I've been drawn into a project that has required the most overtime I've ever worked for this company. I leave work some nights numb - tired, frustrated that I'm putting my personal life on hold for business objectives, and just worn down. I have less energy to reach out to friends. I made a personal commitment to stay at this job for 2 years, but I may need to re-think that.
Finally, I remind myself that I really have nothing to complain about when I look at the big picture: I'm employed, I'm building equity, I'm reasonably healthy (still doing physical therapy for the hand, but making good progress), and I have friends & family that love me.
I am trying to stay positive.
And dance more.
