Thoughts along the way...

Mom & Kittens

2008-05-13T17:43:48Z

Drove 8 hours round trip (carpooled with a friend, actually) to South Carolina to spend time with mom for Mother's Day. I am growing to like my mom more these days. It helps that we have found a few common interests and we focus on those when we are together. Gardens are one :-)

Opportunities like this are the reason I moved back east. It feels good to be making the effort to spend time with family. So if/when I move elsewhere, I know I've taken advantage of the time I lived here.

Monday I took the day off work to do some projects at home - none of which got done because I spent most of the day at my sister's house getting a kitten briefing, shopping for the kittens, and helping her figure out how to refi her credit card debt (ALERT: Chase is offering loans at 2.99% for the life of the loan - great deal). I helped her figure out how to save thousands of dollars in interest and she talked me into fostering 5 kittens.

Love my sister. Like getting to know her better.

The kittens are like crack... you think you are going to check on them for 5 minutes and the next thing you know, an hour has gone by...

twitterpated

2008-05-08T14:52:37Z

As usual, I went to the gym after work last night. What wasn't usual is the fellow who chatted me up.

I saw him in the parking lot and he caught my eye because we was wearing a nice suit but he had on a cap. It was like paperboy cap and it was on backwards. He was grabbing a gym bag out of a Volvo and he was wearing a earring - a diamond stud. I thought about the contrasts of conservative (the car, the suit) with the alternative (the cap, the earring).

Then he proceed to speak to me as we approached the front door. He said, "well, I was all set to open the door for you, but they have it propped open." Then we walked up the stairs and mimed opening the door. His smile sparkled. I smiled in return but didn't really engage. After 25 years of meeting people at the gym that are just passing through my life, I'm hardwired not to engage. He attempted a bit more conversation but the front desk attendant interrupted and then I was on my way to the locker room.

But I was curious.

And as I was pedaling away on the lifecycle (I ride for 45 minutes twice a week) I scanned the gym for him. I was thinking "maybe I was a bit abrupt at dismissing this guy". But I didn't see him and that was that.

Until he approached me about 20 minutes later.

And this time I made a point to be friendly and to engage. I was a bit twitterpated* that he reappeared. I'll skip the details but it was an interesting 15 minute conversation. I thought about asking him out for coffee, but decided to wait and see if/when I run into him again how this might unfold.

If he doesn't have the confidence to ask me out, I'm not really interested. And, waiting to get to know me better means he's not just a "instant gratification" kind of guy. I like that too.

Also, I like this feeling of "potential" for now, even though I'm inclined to think a common interest in working out and books is not enough to build upon. Did I mention that he's in great shape? And I have no idea if he's even available?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* "twitterpated" comes from Bambi

(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0034492/quotes)

Flower: [about two birds fluttering around] Well! What's the matter with them?
Thumper: Why are they acting that way?
Friend Owl: Why, don't you know? They're twitterpated.
Flower, Bambi, Thumper: Twitterpated?
Friend Owl: Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!
Thumper: Gosh, that's awful.
Flower: Gee whiz.
Bambi: Terrible!
Friend Owl: And that ain't all. It could happen to anyone, so you'd better be careful.
[points at Bambi]
Friend Owl: It could happen to you…
[points at Thumper]
Friend Owl: … or you, or even...
[Flower looks at Owl shyly]
Friend Owl: Yes, it could even happen to you!
Thumper: Well, it's not gonna happen to me.
Bambi: Me neither.
Flower: Me neither.

fostering kittens

2008-05-08T03:10:14Z

My sister has talked me into fostering kittens that were dumped at the local animal shelter. They have 21 and any they can't find foster homes for will be put down by the end of the week.

I told her I'd take 3. The intent is to socialize them and find them homes. I pick them up next Monday after I get back from a visit to Mom for Mother's Day.

They are small enough that they need to be feed every 4-6 hours and they can be kept in a box. I'll be bringing them into work with me for a week or so until they can eat less frequently.

Of note:

If you are local and you want a kitten, or know someone who does, I need to find homes for them. I'd ask that you get them spayed or neutered if you adopt. I can handle the fostering until they are at least 6 weeks old and self sufficient.
I need names for the critters. Suggestions? ~~I'm not sure of sex yet..~~ They are all female.
If you are local and just want to get some unobligated kitten time, I can arrange for you to get a "fix". They need to be socialized and the more nice folks they are around, the better.

And of course, the photos:

and

Note the rat terrier, Termite, to the left in the second photo. My sister is fostering him as well. Sweet little dog if he knows you. Scared and is prone to bite if he doesn't. All of these kittens will outgrow him.

~~~ Why foster? ~~~

I realize I'm commitment phobic, but this is a way I can do something small that will make a difference. Small steps... help lead my life in new directions.

Beach Recluse & Garden Geek

2008-04-30T19:35:10Z

I took Friday & Monday off of work last week.

I thought I had a dance date Saturday night, but when I declined to let him pick me up at the house where I was staying, he bailed. TangoMentor interpreted this as: no pick up = no opportunity for sex = bail. He's probably right. The guy did me a favor. I barely know him. If he can't be patient enough to get to know me better on my terms, I'm quite happy without him. I made other plans.

I spent Friday buying yet more for the garden from Logan's (plants I've been waiting on to be available). Then headed to the beach -- because I can. I made myself a promise to take advantage of the things available to me now that I'm back in NC. I am now going once a month if I don't leave town for other reasons during the month.

I needed to arrive before 5pm so I could meet with my ex-property manager. She changed management companies and I wanted to know why. And what the new fees would be... I'll be changing companies. She manages the rental property I own in Wilmington. When we looked at the contract I signed in 2005, I'd marked it up and changed most of the constraints... I crossed out "60 days notice to terminate" and wrote in "30 days...". She smiled at me and said, "You are clearly your father's daughter". No one in California knew my Dad. A comment like this catches my attention. Being closer to family was a big part of the decision to come back to NC.

After being back for almost 2 years, I'm starting to see that I really do share some traits with my Dad. I drive a hard bargain, when I care to . And I network well. He knows people almost everywhere he goes. I haven't really worked at that in the vanilla business world, but in the dance world & the leather community, I have friends nationwide. My next area of interest is the real estate world (buy & hold rentals). I imagine I'll have good resources by the time I'm ready to buy the next property.

I didn't realize my ex-property manager is single. We compared notes on how much we disliked dating. That gave me a chuckle. And reinforced my decision to focus my energy elsewhere for now.

I went to a tango practice/dance in Wilmington Friday night. There was a dancer from Raleigh I knew and the people who hosted the dance were very welcoming. "Would you like to dance? I'll get my husband to dance with you." Ages spanned from college students to grandparents. I like that variety.

I went out to breakfast at my favorite greasy spoon: Causeway Café. Then I headed for several Thrift Stores. Bought a green straw hat, a pansy vase, and a white linen shirt to wear to the contra dance that night. Total spent $12.

I had dinner with an old friend from California, Katie, on Saturday night. Then went to a contra dance after dinner. The dancing was worth the drive. Seeing Katie was terrific. I dated her roommate briefly when she lived in Redwood City. Then we all became friends. She's made a new life and has a new man who treats her well. I love her enthusiasm.

I received a nice compliment from one of the fellows in the band after the contra dance, "You are a beautiful dancer." He was an amazing string player. Older man doing what he finds joy in doing. I declined an invite from the event organizer to breakfast the next morning so I could sleep in then go for a walk on the beach. I'd had enough social time.

Sunday I walked, read, cleaned, and cooked. Never got in the car till I left town. Brought my laundry down with me and did the sheets & towels in with my weekly loads. Less to do when I got home. I drove back about 8:30pm and talked to my Mom for about an hour of that drive. We mostly talked about garden ideas and plants.

Monday I went to the gym then Lowe's and bought more for the garden (trellises for the Morning glories, stakes, and some white & purple daisies to go in the morning glory container...). Once the rain stopped Monday afternoon, I got dirty putting plants in the ground. For several hours. Seriously dirty… had to hose myself down before going back in the house.

I'm doing vegetables again this year: 1 grape tomato, 4 eggplants, 4 okra, lots of basil, and 2 curly parsley. Geekiest accomplishment: I'm growing the basil from seeds I got from the plants I had last year. Didn't think it would work, but it did!

Easiest to grow: morning glories. Damn things sprouted in less than 2 days.

Still didn't get everything in the ground before I had to go to the home owner's monthly board meeting, but I should be able to finish up planting what I bought next Saturday. Oddly I find that more appealing than going to the TMG Fashion show. I have absolutely no ill feelings toward TMG, I just don't find the thought of a fashion show compelling. That's a clear change of direction for me. I'm curious how I will continue to evolve.

~~~ Thoughts ~~~

Beach Recluse:
Several friends have mentioned they would enjoy a trip to the beach if I want company. I don't. I seem to like the flexibility with my time and mostly, I feel like I have to entertain if I bring folks along. I'm not up for that just now. I'm being very self centered at the moment. And I'm ok with that. I like to visit with friends, just in small doses these days.

Garden Geek:
I've gotten heavy into planting and improving my really small outdoor space. It's a blessing that it is small as I'd be broke if it wasn't (or I would never have gone down this path). Why? Every morning before I leave for work, I walk out on my back deck and just look at my flowers. And smile. It's a good start to the day. When I return home during daylight hours, I am greeted with flowers. I smile. During the summer, I have fresh "free" produce to enjoy. These are all little joys. And I treasure that.

Life is uneventful. Calm, Comfortable, Boring.

2008-04-14T03:11:07Z

Life is a series of projects for now: taxes, refi the townhouse, find an investment adviser I trust and quit ignoring what's happening with the money I put aside for retirement.... and my garden. I'm working on a better me.

Nothing new. Gym workouts and Tango class every week. Tango private and work trade every weekend. Cribbage on Sundays. Books: Mostly about the wives & children of Henry VIII at the moment. Video: Watched Season I of the Tudors and now I am working my way through all of Farscape for a few months. For variety, I visit with friends out of town or make a trip to my dad's beach house.

I'm clearing everything from my bedroom that's a "project". Did a bunch of sewing over the last two week, some gluing, some other fixing, and tossed some "projects" in the Goodwill bag. I've had clothing that needed repair hanging in my closet pretty much since I moved into my townhouse about 18 months ago. Once I decided to just deal with it, it really didn't take that long to finish. Lesson learned. The room feels better when I don't see several "you have failed to do this yet" projects staring at me every time I enter the room.

Kink: I went to the recent TMG education event. Rorie from D.C. taught on Interrogation Play and it was funny! "So Missy, we want to know who organized the orgy with the football team last Thursday night and we think you were involved..." May be the only local kink event I attend this year. Touched base with a few people I like, had no expectations, and didn't stay for the second class. Enjoyed myself.

Surgery: results are not what I hoped for. Seems that "brain plasticity" diminishes over the age of 40. Hey, I don't remember this conversation before surgery! Now you tell me? I'm 49. But I'm not dead yet... I still have a numb spot and it may never go away. I'm dealing. I could, however, have avoided the additional scarring if I'd skipped the surgery. I'm a bit miffed. But I have to be honest with myself... I would have chosen the surgery in any case because I always want to try for the best outcome. Lesson learned. And if I knew him better, I apologize to the surgeon who gave me that exact advice (don't have surgery) about the unkind thoughts I had about him at the time.

Changes: time for a haircut. About 10 inches I think. It will still touch my shoulders, but won't cause such a problem when I dance. Or with the drains in the bathtub. Or with shedding around the house. It might actually hold curls without all the weight pulling them out. We'll see. Next visit to my hair stylist is targeted for May. Oh, and she's fun to see in any case. She's on the Carolina Roller Girls team!

Weddings Past: I attended a wedding recently that was just depressing. The topic of conversation among those of us very close to the couple was about the recent physical brawl between them. I used to live with him. I decided his temper wasn't something I could live with. I encouraged him to date her because it would ease my way out the door. Well, I know for sure at this point she experienced that negative behavior before the wedding. Oh, and he dropped a pre-nuptial agreement on her the week before the wedding and said "sign or I won't be at the wedding" (ok, he was probably more tactful but that was the essence of the message). She protested. She signed.

WHY would anyone do this? Background: She's late 30's and this is her 1st wedding. She wants kids. I feel like I'm watching a car wreck in action. I realized I need to cut my ties to this group of friends. Not the kind of people I want to spend time with. So, why has it taken me the 10 months I was living with him and the 18 months since I left to figure that out?

I like to be able to say I'm on good terms with all of my ex-boyfriends. I wish the best for him. I no longer feel the need to stay in touch. In fact I feel the need to stay away.

Weddings Future: I am thrilled about an upcoming wedding. Another man I dated. Probably the man I've loved the most intensely over my lifetime. Even now, over 5 years later he's still important to me. I went to visit last year and met his fiancé. They are good for each other. I need to know there are couples like this out there. Really. They bring out the best in each other and are better for their union. I won't attend the wedding due to the distance, but I'm very happy for them.

I sent flowers last Friday as a token of my support and good wishes. Orchids. The voice mail "thank you" I got Friday made made it worth every penny! It think it evoked more emotion within me than I've felt in a very long time. Joy.

baileythorne @ 2008-03-27T15:50:00

2008-03-27T19:53:26Z

From one of those viral emails I got today:

"There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled."

Perhaps this is why I do go out of my way to do little things that brighten other people's day -- because their reaction brightens my day as well.

friends

2008-03-13T03:14:00Z

From a friend in email today: "thank you for being such a good friend. You've been a real blessing in my life, a gift from god if you ask me." And this is the guy who teases me about my kinky inclinations and thinks I'm a bit of a freak.

Another friends called tonight and thanked me for a conversation we had last weekend that really helped him with a breakup he's been trying to make peace with. He and I have been having these talks on and off since 1995.

An ex-boss called this week and to talk to me about a potential job offer. I'm very loyal to my current company so I told him "not at this time". But I was flattered by the offer.

I've been feeling very withdrawn and really questioning "what's the point of life?" lately.

Guess the universe is sending me some answers. Go figure.

Monthly Update

2008-02-24T20:28:23Z

How to leave work on time: focus on doing the work

I have never been able to leave work on time - unless I have a hard commitment and I absolutely have to leave by a certain time. I procrastinate, get side tracked with the internet, and do the easy stuff. Then, late afternoon I look at what I should have gotten done during the day and get started. And stay late to get it done. I've been trying to figure out what I need to do to change this behavior. I'm sure some of you find this problem inconceivable, but it's a real issue for me. So, I think I'm onto something that will help: if I quit doing personal stuff at work, I can leave on time guilt free. Now this may be damned obvious to most of you... but it's an epiphany for me. If I know I've done my best during the day, even if everything I'd like to get done isn't complete, I give myself permission to leave. Still working on maintaining that focus... this week I spent an hour on day looking at flights to Jacksonville - for a trip that I may never take. One step forward, two steps back...

Money Issues: Lessons Learned

I have been tracking expenses and realized that, although I've been able to put a bit of money away in the last year for an emergency fund, it's nowhere near as much as I'd hoped. And since I'm working for yet another startup and I'm paying two mortgages if I lose a tenant, this is very important to me. I mentioned I was considering a second job or some other way to bring in a bit more. There was an option I'd ignored because I was afraid: asking for a raise.

I've mostly worked for big companies where there are clear rules about raises, but I know things are looser in a start up. And the fear was irrational... but it was real. The big question was "How much do I ask for?". It turns out I honestly don't know what I'm worth. I had a fantasy number in mind that I wanted. It wasn't based on much more than "that's what it would take to make me stop feeling stressed about money". Not the way to approach a boss for a raise. But I wasn't really sure I was going to be able to ask for that much. When the inevitable question of "Why are you worth that much?" was asked, I wasn't sure I could justify the number.

I asked for the raise. I got a raise and a promotion.

Here's how it went down: Me, after a discussion of technical issues, "There is one more non-technical thing I need to discuss with you." Boss: "What?" Me:"I need to talk to you about a raise". Boss: "Thank goodness - I was afraid you were going to resign". I smiled and thought, this might not be so bad. She told me this had been on her list of things to do and she was embarrassed I'd had to come to her. I was amazed to be hearing this - but I kept my poker face in place.

I told her that when they hired me it wasn't exactly clear what I'd be doing and where I'd fit, so I low-balled the salary I asked for. After 15 months it's clear I bring a lot to the table. She asked where I wanted to go with the company and we discussed a career path. Then she offered me a promotion and a salary to go with it - my fantasy number. She followed that with "there will be a potential for bonuses and salary growth on top of that". Poker face still in place, I said that would be acceptable. I thought I might blow it if I did the happy dance & high five'd her - which I was doing inside.

Raise doesn't kick in until April. It's more money than I ever made at a full time job in California. I never imaged this could happen in NC. Really. It validated my decision to move back east. With a generous salary and 4 weeks vacation, I won't be looking for another job again any time soon. Unless, of course, they fail... which is always a possibility.

And I'm glad she didn't come to me. I needed to know I could do this: Ask for what I want.

Tango Friend (TF)

Tango is still a huge part of my life. And my teacher has become a comfortable friend. We carpool to contra dances Friday nights. I take his two tango classes back-to-back on Thursday nights (Foundations & Intermediate). I take a private lesson most Sundays. I put in two hours of labor on Saturdays to pay (in trade) for the Sunday lesson. We've been trying to get his house straight most weekends. I do laundry & clean up the kitchen other weekends. I like helping him out. Feeds my "service submissive" streak. I've also been working on a website for him... and setup my first blog (for him). He's been writing posts to the local tango list so I created a blog to preserve his thoughts. He gave me a big hug after class last Thursday when I asked him if he'd checked out the changes to his website. That was payment enough. Last development: we've been going out for coffee on Sunday mornings and playing cribbage. He's good. And, as with tango, he's a good teacher. I find I really enjoy these outings.

Relationship Skills

I was a bit apprehensive about telling TF that he has to pick up after his dog if he poops in front of my townhouse. I am *so* conflict aversive... But he took it well. Perhaps this friendship is training for how a marriage / relationship should work? It has also reinforced: "You must ask for what you want". I seem to be very giving in relationships - until I hit a wall and ask myself "how did I get here?". In the past my solution was to leave. Not a good long term approach, eh?

Dating

Still not up for dating. But I've got men asking me out. Two that I've never been out with asked me out this weekend. Met them both through tango. I turned down both as I'd planned to go to the beach and play hermit. I have told both: I'm not interested in dating. If you want to be friends, great. But know that up front.

One told me he was "retired from dating". I like that phrase... I'll adopt it. If/when I really feel compelled to change that approach, I will. But for now I like having my freedom and having no drama in my life.

I will go out with them if then ask again - I encouraged both to do that. But as friends. Period.

Cena To Go

Every once in awhile I find something new and different that I really like. One of those things is a company my step-sister turned me onto: Cena To Go. It's a place for people like me who want to eat at home but aren't very good at shopping or cooking. They do the shopping and have a mini-kitchen set up with all the ingredients and how-to instructions so that you leave with meals ready to go in the freezer. You cook them later, as needed with the instructions attached to the meals. Even I can bake or grill meat on my George Forman Grill (yes, I use mine all the time). Cena requires a $75 minimum order. That's 3 "meals". For 4-6 people. I did the math. For me that comes out to $7-$8 for dinner. A price I'm willing to pay for a good meal on the weekend. I've tried them twice and was happy enough that I convinced Spinoza to tag along the 2nd time. If there's one near you, I'd give it a try. For single folks like me, they will split meals into 2 portions. Works well for me because I like leftovers.

Books

Friend of mine recently published his first book: One Jump Ahead (Jon & Lobo) by Mark L. Van Name. If you like action packed science fiction with some interesting twists, I highly recommend it. Next book in this series is due out this summer. I'm looking forward to it!

Keeping it Simple

I find that I don't have the energy for anything complex these days. I entertain myself by reading books, watching an episode of a TV series I've downloaded (ok, that just seems simple to me now), talking with friends, taking a walk, or going to a dance. I'm sleeping more. I've gotten rid of 1/3 of my clothes and I don't miss them. I'm working on cleaning out more.

I'm preparing for something. Not sure what yet. But I've always found that when I start to worry that my life is too dull, something happens soon after to liven things up. I wonder what it will be this time?

alive and pondering...

2008-01-20T23:31:51Z

Even though I'm not posting much to LJ, I'm staying current on friend's postings. It was here I first read about Francesca's passing (in shocked disbelief...) and it's here that I get my lizard updates :-). I considered stepping away from LJ, but decided to cut my posts back to once a month or so.

I'm going through a time of contemplation... the "what's the point of life" and "what do I want to do with mine" kind of introspection. I turned 49 this month. I'm thinking that I'd like to celebrate my 50th in Buenos Aries dancing tango, however I need to address some financial issues to pull that off. I can start studying Spanish in case I pull it off.

I've pulled way back from the leather community. Nothing bad happened, but I found I had expectations that weren't met. Probably because my expectations were unreasonable. I'll still attend events that catch my eye, but I expect that to be infrequent. I'm down to 2 email lists: one local & one in SF. Sadly, the one post on the SF list recently was about Francesca's death.

I'm pondering how to make some cash on the side (phone sex? ebay?) ... I realize that when I bought my townhouse, I really loaded myself down with debt. I don't deal well with debt... I've cut way back on spending money for anything that would be considered "fun" as I try to throw cash at the loans - except for dancing. But that takes it's toll. I'm being good. And the result is that I'm sad a lot. I think about things I'd like to do and most often I rule them out without further thought by categorizing them as "too expensive". It does greatly simplify life, however.

TangoCrush has morphed into TangoFriend. I see him 3-4 times a week. Either for a lesson, a class, to carpool to a dance or to work off the time I owe in in exchange for a lesson. He now knows about my involvement with the leather community and teases me about it - but it's not a big deal. We also watch DVDs & play cribbage. He's very good. I lose a lot. And that's actually just fine.

My guess is that he won't last out the year here -- he's looking for a wife that wants babies and he came here to try a career that's not working out for him. So I'll enjoy his company as long as it lasts. I believe in the saying: people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I think he's here for a season. He rekindled my interest in dance. It's not the passion it used to be in my life, but it's helping me preserve my sanity for now. I can feel connected with people but still keep them at arm's length until I really get to know them. I have a sounding board for tango community politics, and I have been learning more about how men think. It's a very different dynamic being friends rather than lovers.

I started the year with the intent of working less overtime - and I've been drawn into a project that has required the most overtime I've ever worked for this company. I leave work some nights numb - tired, frustrated that I'm putting my personal life on hold for business objectives, and just worn down. I have less energy to reach out to friends. I made a personal commitment to stay at this job for 2 years, but I may need to re-think that.

Finally, I remind myself that I really have nothing to complain about when I look at the big picture: I'm employed, I'm building equity, I'm reasonably healthy (still doing physical therapy for the hand, but making good progress), and I have friends & family that love me.

I am trying to stay positive.
And dance more.

on the mend

2007-12-12T18:24:49Z

Accident: Friday, November 23rd (cut my hand washing dishes)
Surgery to reattach nerve: Wednesday, November 28th.

The experience was one of the best I've ever had in a hospital. I highly recommend Wake Raleigh Hospital. The staff was very friendly and caring.
They never told me they were going to put me out. I scooted onto the operating table, traded a few comments with the surgeon, then woke up and was told we were done. No anxiety...
Dad picked me up and took me out to lunch. Then out for coffee and desert at my favorite coffee house (major calories, but as "sick girl" I didn't care)
Stayed over night with my dad & stepmom (hospital requirement not to be alone). We had steak for dinner -- and I had to ask my dad to cut it up for me.

Recovery: 3 days out of work. Watched most of my downloaded and never watched movies. There are a lot of BAD movies out there.
Stitches out: Tuesday, December 11th. So far so good. I can get my hand wet again!
Next steps: wear the splint that prevents me from extending my thumb until Friday Dec 21st. This prevents me from ripping the nerve back apart that was reconnected. And makes it a bitch to type.

The hand is very tender. Still have bruising on my wrist from surgery (working it's way down the arm...) Part of my palm looks like Frankenstein - the incision from surgery was much larger than the original cut.
Movement in the direction toward my little finger is good.
Still no feeling in my thumb. Should be 2+ months to see how much will be returned.

Other comments/observations:

Progress Piercing will remove & replace body piercings free of charge. Hospitals ask you to remove *all* jewelry before surgery. I signed a waiver in SF when I had foot surgery (I elected not to remove my genital jewelry). Didn't want to have that conversation at the hospital here in front of my dad... I've had the hood piercing for 5+ years so I didn't think a few days would allow it to close up. Lee at progress is the first person ever to remove a segmented ring and *not* pinch me. Kudos.
There are some things that are difficult if not impossible to do one handed.

flossing your teeth (buy the plastic, Y shaped, pre-threaded flossers)
pulling back long hair (dealt with it for 10 days then figured out a way to get in a barret with the help of fingers only on the other hand)

There are somethings that require help: I paid the person who colors my hair to wash, dry & flat iron it last Saturday. Will do that again this Saturday but am hoping to be able to manage it by the 22nd. My form of physical therapy: flat iron my hair!
I have learned to be patient. Some tasks have been put on hold. Somethings I do slower. I was really spun up at first but now am accepting. I just take a deep breath and do my best.
Life doesn't stop and there are many things I can still do: cardio workouts at the gym on the lifecycle, tango class (no need to hold my left hand), grocery shop, laundry, limited cooking. And yes, sadly, I've learned to hold the phone with 3 fingers and talk on the cell phone while I drive with my good hand. I dial before I start the car...

So, few posts but lots of reading of LJ over the past few weeks. That will remain so for a few more.

Ups & Downs

2007-11-26T04:05:43Z

Had a fellow wrestle my pants off Wednesday. Then we decided to skip sex after he declined to use a condom. He didn't try to argue with me, give me any attitude, or coax me into his way of doing things. Just said he wasn't into condoms and if I was, "let's get dressed and go get dinner". I still have the bruises from the wrestling part of the "foreplay". Sigh. We won't be wrestling again.

Made an unplanned trip to the emergency room Friday night at 5pm. Was washing dishes as part of my labor trade for tango lessons and broke a glass bowl - right into my left hand. Tango-Crush took me to the hospital and waited with me. Brought his knitting. Then distracted me by busting on me, which he does quite often. He was way into the stitches the doc put into my hand. He leaned in to see better and asked questions. I couldn't watch... He did let me hold his hand while it was underway. I whimpered when they shot me up with lidocaine... it wasn't pretty. Then they popped me with a tetanus shot.

He took me out dancing after the hospital cut me lose. We arrived at the Contra Dance at the "half-time" break. My hand was splinted to keep it immobile. Nicked a tendon... will see a specialist Monday. Asked TC to put a barret in my hair (I couldn't pull it back) & to tie my shoes. I was feeling quite incompetent. He isn't really the nurturing type. More like the practical type... but he was there for me when I needed someone.

I'm left handed. The next two weeks are going to be challenging. May have to pay my hair dresser to wash my hair for me... I'm slowly realizing what I really need both hands for.

But I'm lucky I wasn't alone when this happened. And I'm not going to worry about what "might be" as far as the injury until I see the next doc.

ready or not...

2007-11-16T03:33:47Z

So my carpool buddy, dance teacher, task master, Tango Crush (TC) has been AWOL this week. Called him Tuesday to ask about a lesson and no call back. Then I called and his voice mailbox is full. Then I called and it went straight to voice mail - which is still full.

So I'm thinking he broke his phone or skipped town. And decided to swing by his house unannounced after work. I really struggled with this. I *never* drop by anyone's house (except my dad's - got to think about that) without calling first. I was fully prepared for him to go ballistic that I just showed up. Some of my friends would consider this a serious invasion of their privacy.

He just smiled and asked me "what's up?" The dog did his usual happy dance and TC walked back in the living room. He was playing cards online with real people so he jumped back to that. I asked him what dances he was up for this weekend and we settled that. I asked about the phone and he'd lost it. Didn't seem at all concerned about that.

Lesson 1: it's ok to show up.
Lesson 2: if you can't reach him, you might have to show up

And I'll be paying off my labor commitment (trading time for lessons) this Saturday: helping him look for the phone.

(I'd be a basket case after a week with no phone...)

elected

2007-11-16T03:24:31Z

So I was asked to run for the homeowner's board. Of course I got elected.... they can barely get enough people to run. But I need to learn more about taking care of my properties, so ti will be a good learning experience. Just as I step down from TMG I step up to this. It will have it's own flavor of drama.... but I think it will take much less of my time.

fall!

2007-11-15T14:32:59Z

Vibrant reds! Golden yellows! Oranges with flavors of both. Fleeting beauty.

One of the amazing feats of nature I really didn't experience in California.

Small miracles. I'm enjoying them when they happen.

learning so much more than tango

2007-11-15T04:40:39Z

I read this in a tango blog posting yesterday and it reflects my recent experiences amazingly:

From: this blog (sallycat’s adventures - the life of a tango dancer in Buenos Aires)

"In the beginning <snip> I got very despondent. <snip> I was still in the phase of wanting to be perfect. I wanted [teacher] to see me dance and tell me that I would be a great dancer. I wanted to stun him with my brilliance. I knew that no way was I brilliant. But I desperately wanted to be. For weeks he used to ask me to walk alone, and then walk alone with decorations and then walk alone with full turns in every step. I used to cringe with embarrassment as I wobbled and tipped in front of him. Sometimes I felt like crying. Sometimes I felt like screaming. But I didn’t. I just kept trying. He used to say to me ‘Don’t worry. Even if you don’t do it great, it will help you dance better. And one day you will do it great when you are not even trying. And even if one day you do it great, then another day you won’t. And it’s ok.’

Over time I noticed that my body was remembering, learning, becoming steadier and more able to do what had once had seemed impossible. I realised that every single thing we did was going in to my head, into my body and into my soul even when I thought it wasn’t. I learned that the combination of my subconscious mind and my body is actually unstoppable. If I allow myself to relax and simply try things out in the classes rather than worry, then some day later (maybe the next day, maybe the next week, maybe the next month) I will find myself doing them quite naturally. This leads to some very happy moments of surprise and delight. Gradually I have stopped worrying about being perfect."

Although I've been dancing for over 15 years, I haven't been at tango very long. And only recently, since I started with private lessons, have I had the frustrating / humiliating experience of the walking exercises. But my teacher sounds so similar.

The most important thing I learned, I already knew. "If you practice and are full of self-criticism and negative energy, that is how you will dance. So, with me, you look up and smile when you practice. No more cussing."

He insists I practice being happy. Think about that.... And he insists that perfection is not the point. That is harder for me.

He lies to me at the dances. He tells me I'm doing wonderful. We both know he's lying, but now it's funny to me. And I'm working to eventually earn that praise during a lesson. It will be months...

But he is practicing what he preaches: be kind to your partners :-)

hibernating?

2007-11-06T20:45:21Z

In response to my previous post:

"are you really somewhat hibernating or just not rushing to the next big thing?" (from roses_n_chains)

from the original quote:
"The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure."

I have the first symptom. I don't have the second. Yet. But it's a matter of degrees.

There has been a huge shift in where/how I find pleasure. I used to find it in intimate interaction. Now I find it by walking on my back deck and seeing the violas are defying the cold weather. I find it in a single dance at practice after class with an older gentleman, "J", who I seem to dance well with. I find it in that damn dog I took care of last weekend - seeing his joy at getting to go for a ride in the car.

These are small pleasures. I miss the large pleasures.

Most days I trust I will find that again. Other days, I'm not so sure.

tango awakening?

2007-11-06T17:03:17Z

Saw this on two tango blogs recently. One woman who posted had just returned from Venice. The other woman had moved to Buenos Aries to pursue tango - and is now married and pregnant.

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book...or you take a trip..and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure.

That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children.

And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song and it awakens them and saves them from death.

Some never awaken."

- Anais Nin

It sums up my feeling lately. I am in hibernation. I'm hoping that tango is my awakening. I know that kink has lost it's appeal for now. It's about the right partner to play with, not just sensation. And I've given up trying to find that person. Having a good dance, though rare, happens. Finding a compatible kink partner in NC has not.

I've made goals. I've been working on them. I'm on my way:
- clean out all the possessions I don't really need.
- create a space that makes me happy when I come home
- no new relationships until I can be proud to show someone else my home
- pay down the 2nd & 3rd loans on my real estate.
- become agile and flexible financially and personally.

So my focus now is on my family & tango.
I turn 50 in January of 2009.
Is this all there is to look forward to?

If so, I'll find small pleasures where they exist.
Like a dance that borders on magical, if only for 2-3 minutes.

last week was full of people

2007-11-06T01:46:33Z

Monday was my step-sister's birthday. I had dinner at my dad's with all the sisters except one, and 3 of the 6 nephews. My dad is really showing his age. Glad I live close enough to be able to do this on short notice. Went to the gym after I had dinner.

Tuesday I had dinner with a woman who grew up next door to me. We weren't friends growing us... too big of an age difference. But we are friends now and I enjoyed dinner.

Wednesday I got a call from my friend affectionately know as the "Swedish Stud". He's a diver working on offshore rigs. Met him at Janus many years ago and he calls me just to touch base every few months. I wasn't in the mood to talk. But as usual, he put a smile on my face with that Swedish drawl and I promised to call him next time - and not wait 4 months. Went to the gym Wednesday too.

Thursday, TangoCrush(TC) called and was frantic. He had out-of-town company spending the night and had just found out. He wanted help with some cleaning before they arrived. But I had plans. The fellow I gave 50 stackable chairs to had offered to take me to dinner at Brasa. I'd heard about this place and I really wanted to check it out.

I met my date at Brasa and ran into two other men I knew - both from the coffee shop I hang out at some weekends. I made introductions all around... and one of the fellows informed my date that I was a "cynical girl". Maybe he's right. In any case dinner was great and the conversation was interesting. My date is married, I think, so this was nothing more than making a friend. But that means a lot to me these days.

From there I went to tango class. And TC asked me to follow him home and see about some last minute cleaning. We arrived and his guests were already at his house. So we all went out to dinner. He's easy about introducing me to his friends. I like that. And I have a new favorite restaurant near where I live: http://bellamonica.com/. His friends were nice and welcoming, though a bit confused when they asked why he was going to Atlanta for the weekend and I said "To pick up hot chicks". They must have thought we were more than friends & my comments bizarre. When I went to pick up Buddy on Friday TC said they really liked me. I'm guessing I'll never see them again.

Friday I left work early, helped TC for about an hour unloading a trailer, and picked up Buddy for the weekend. I tagged all the items I wanted to sell at the TMG Holiday Faire and went to bed early.

Saturday, I worked the Faire, made less than $10 an hour on the sale of the "stuff" - but was glad it was gone.

I had a date but he sent me a txt message on my phone to cancel. I wasn't feeling very social & I'd left Buddy in his cage too much of the day. So I made dinner, snuggled up with the dog & went to bed.

I have a full life. I have friends and I'm making new ones.

But all of this is just marking time when there's no passion. I feel numb most days. Content, but numb. And staying this busy makes it easy to ignore.

not a dog person

2007-11-05T18:08:40Z

So I dog sat this weekend. For Buddy. His owner went to a tango weekend in Atlanta and now owes me two lessons.

The dog is well behaved and easy to deal with. My step-mom thinks he's mostly a Jack Russell Terrier, but possibly a Beagle & Jack Russell Terrier mix.

The dog slept with me. He spoons better than some men I've slept with - but he prefers to be outside the covers.

I have confirmed however, than I'm not a dog person. I really hate the early morning & late night walks to ensure there is no poop or piss in the house. I was up at 6:45pm Saturday and 2:45am Sunday to accommodate the little beast. By Sunday night I was a bit wiser and less willing to follow his lead. He never made a mess.

I dropped him off with his owner on the way to work this morning... I'm happy he's not sitting at home in a crate. Yes, I'll miss him when I get home. But when I haul the bag full of poop I collected over the weekend to the curb for trash pickup. I'll be ok with sending him home.

T-shirts I kept (more history)

2007-11-05T02:28:56Z

Since I posted what I cleared out, here's what I kept & why:

Folsom Fringe '05 Behind the Mask
- kept it because it's a girl-cut t-shirt and it shows my curves :-)
- memories: last Folsom I attended as a bay area resident. I moved east the week after this event.
Dylan came out and attended the event with me. Colin & Dylan helped with final packing the week after.
(Hi Colin!)

SF Citadel
- because I helped make this dungeon become a reality by introducing Phil to Peter (the landlord).
- it was 10 minutes from my loft in SF and I spent many Saturday nights working the front desk.
- I rarely played in the venue, sadly, because I wasn't involved with any one I trusted at that level
- I did play with Dylan here - and we fucked in the sling!

Mr. S Leather (San Francisco / Los Angeles)
back: STAFF
- from one of the leather events where I worked the Mr. S booth.
- STAFF shirts rock!

Portland Leather Alliance Kinkfest 2004
- because it's a tank shirt - and I wear these over a sports bra at the gym
- this is the event where I met Fifth Angel, I believe
- I had no date that year and worked security for the event. One of my ex's was the Security coordinator
and knew I'd take my volunteer shift seriously. Several of my bay area friends migrated up to Portland,
so I'm partial to the event.
- Deja Vu: this was the same hotel / conference center where I'd attended a dance competition in the past.
From two step to bondage... that's my life :-)

National Leather Association / International
- again, I kept it because it's a tank shirt
- I believe I attended an NLA convention but I'll be dammed if I know which year.

New Joss Whedon series!

2007-11-02T16:10:50Z

Though I didn't watch Buffy, I loved Firefly. Joss Whedon produced both. Saw these articles on another blog and wanted to spread the word:
eonline & tvweek

Excerpt:
"Joss Whedon, the creator of acclaimed cult favorites “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Angel” and “Firefly,” is returning to Fox and reuniting with “Buffy” regular Eliza Dushku for a new action-drama called “Dollhouse.”
Fox has given a seven-episode commitment to the 20th Century Fox Television project for a planned debut next year.
“It deals with our darkest impulses and our best ones,” Whedon says. “It deals with all the things I like to deal with—strength, weakness, power and corruption.”
“Dollhouse” stars Dushku as Echo, one of a group of secret agents living in a futuristic dorm. Each has the ability to be imprinted with custom personalities and abilities for special assignments. When they return, their newly acquired memories are wiped. The show follows Echo as she takes on a variety of assignments—some romantic, some adventurous, some uplifting, some illegal—and gains awareness of her role and confinement."

dance, dance, dance...

2007-10-29T17:52:55Z

Friday night, TangoCrush & I went to a contra dance from 8-11pm and to a tango dance from 11:30 - 2am. He danced the last tango of the evening with me and actually smiled at one point... and handed out a small bit of praise. I feel like a dog trying so hard to please her master. Sad. At least I understand what's going on. Long drive home, side trip to the grocery store, detour by my house to loan him "Firefly" (at his insistence) -- landed me home in bed at 3:30 am. Ouch. But the dancing was great!

I told him I wanted him to work with me (coaching) but I can't afford it - so I wanted to work a trade. Silly boy replied, "so is that an offer for a blow job?" My response: "No, I have sex because I want to, not because I have to." He seemed fine with that. We are going to trade labor. He has a bunch of unpacking to do... and for me it's so much easier in someone else's house. I may be trading dog sitting as well. That's a stretch for me. A sign of how much I really want to learn. I will be an excellent tango dancer one day.

Saturday I went to a dance I've never attended before called "Dance Gumbo". Many kinds of music. The dancers scored high on enthusiasm and low on technique. I called it a bust. I won't go back.

TangoCrush went to a milonga at the same location (different ballroom) and his comment was "Good thing I brought my knitting". I thought this was a figure of speech but he really had brought his knitting (black & white box stitch). We continue to learn more about each other.

We were back to his house by 11:30, at which point he asked "so, do you want to get naked?" and I replied "no". He tried to hug me and I told him to get out of the car. You can't hug anyone across an arm rest... "Stand up and hug me right". We talked about having sex. And decided not to.

He said "I'm at the point that I value your friendship and I don't want to jeopardize losing that. Most often sex creates drama that screws up friendships. I'd have slept with you the first night you gave me a ride home, but then I started getting to know you and now I want you to stick around." So I asked "why did you ask me to get naked?" Said he thought I'd say no... in any case it clears the air and we both know where we stand. Flirting is not off limits, I just know where it ends now.

Suits me fine. There's time for sex in the future if it makes sense.

He told me to call Sunday after 12 noon for a lesson. We worked for 90 minutes on drills. No touching. He's serious about teaching and I'm serious about learning. We'll see where that takes us.

Then there was the issue with "Firefly". The DVDs quit playing on his PC. He showed me. I told him to bring them to my place and just watch them on the big TV. So he & his dog planted themselves on my couch for about 3 hours. I did chores for the first 2 episodes, but ended up on the couch with the boy & the dog curled up together for the last episode. Felt nice. Really nice.

No hanky panky. I think this is turning into a solid friendship. Time will tell.

it is what it is...

2007-10-29T16:45:30Z

My dating persona... you've been warned. However, some of the questions pissed me off, so maybe this was a little skewed (or maybe that was the point).
--bailey "battleaxe" thorne

The Battleaxe

Deliberate Brutal Love Master (DBLM)

Sharp. Hardened. Dominating. The Battleaxe sweeps all before her, smiting and what not.

You've had a number of serious relationships, so you obviously have many attractive qualities. You're well experienced in dealing with other people's weirdnesses, and it's likely you're good in bed by now, too. Also, like the drunken housewife chucking Heinekens at her no-good husband, you've got a lot of energy.

People can tell you're sophisticated, and so you find yourself the object of infatuations quite often. But it's how you handle yourself in your relationships that gets you the 'brutal' tag. Controlling? Imperious? Overbearing? Yes, please.

Remarkably, you don't mind the same from your men. You've experience enough to take whatever you dish out. Overall, you're a very good person and a capable lover, and when the time comes you'll make a fine divorcee.

Your exact female opposite:

The Nurse

Random Gentle Sex Dreamer

Always avoid: The Poolboy (RGSD)

Consider: The False Messiah (DBLM), someone just like you.

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.
My profile name: : baileythorne

men...

2007-10-29T02:25:26Z

""Men are like pantyhose - they either run, cling, or don't fit right in the crotch"

I'm not the only one...

2007-10-25T16:36:13Z

From a tango blog I check from my RSS reader:

"He put on some romantic music, walked to the center of the room and waited for me. I walked up to him and feeling rather shy, avoided eye contact with him.

He placed a finger under my chin and made me look up and towards him. I could feel his breath on my lips. Just about dissolved right then and there but told myself to stop being such a insipid fool and focus.

Damn him for being so tall, lean and ridiculously sexy. God! And damn me for being so easily seduced."

Entire post here: Private Lesson II, Porteno y Bailarin and Ideal yet Again.

I can so relate to this. Dancing, in general creates connections. Tango is like putting that connection on steroids...